Category Archives: Beauty

Once You Go Shellac, You’ll Never Go Back (Even If You Try…)

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After hearing people rave for years about the Shellac manicure, I finally got one to see what all the fuss was about. My nails are naturally brittle and short, and without major daily pampering will quickly morph into an unsightly mess. Fully aware of this predicament, I make a point to manicure my nails every few days, so I wasn’t expecting too much scolding when I arrived at the salon. HA! The most refreshing part about conversing with a person who doesn’t speak your language is that all subtleties are quickly lost in translation.

“Your nails are bad shape and too short. Not good for Shellac, but I’ll do.” Hmm. Having already made the trip to the salon, I thought “What the hell!” and committed to the two-week procedure. As a serious colour chameleon, selecting a colour that wouldn’t bore me to tears for two weeks was a big decision, but happily I settled on “Rock Royalty”, a purplish-black shade that is reminiscent of my favourite shade ever made, OPI’s Siberian Nights.

The application process is pretty straightforward. Unlike gel nails, where the nail bed is roughed up for preparation of the polish, a Shellac CND manicure only requires a Shellac Basecoat, which is smoothed on in two quick coats. After the base coat comes the Shellac CND polish. Why I am annoyingly repeating the whole name of the Shellac CND polish over and over? Apparently some salons offer “Shellac” manicures which aren’t certified, guising with just gel polish (it must be the Shellac brand) so ensure to eye the bottle before starting the procedure.

After baking my nails twice under the UV light, I was good to go. The shine! The gleam! My nails had never looked so good, and you can’t beat the drying time (0 minutes!). After thanking the Technician and promising to come back in two to three weeks for the removal process (HA!), I left the salon no longer a Shellac virgin.

The durability of Shellac nails is really impressive- almost unbelievable. Cooking, cleaning, typing, commuting, store renovations, NOTHING can chip this Teflon-tough manicure. In fact, the polish was so smooth, shiny and perfect, that after 17 days, I started to resent the cocky motherfucker. Won’t chip, eh? So tough, huh? What will it TAKE?! I’d heard that only 100% Acetone nail polish remover will remove the Shellac manicure (surely those who go back to the salon for removal are suckers?!) and decided that Non-Acetone Polish Remover will work just fine, thankyouverymuch. Right then. Not a smudge, not a trace, not single smear to be had on the cotton ball after a minute of hard pressing. Ok, so maybe I didn’t have Acetone, but I did have me a mighty fine knife in this here drawer! NOTE TO SELF: The red flashing light of “you’re going too far” should have went off at this point, but when presented with a challenge, Miss FFF always takes it ON! And on it went. The scraping. The picking. The peeling. The utter horror of realizing halfway through this nail mutilation that this was a horrible mistake, and there’s no turning back now! After a good 30 minutes of scraping, I had successfully managed to remove every trace of Shellac from my nails- or what was left of them. Tattered shreds, scraped and bruised, that no amount of fiber-filler or base coat could conceal for weeks.  The removal process is no joke, and unfortunately I learned the hard way that it’s apparently not called Shellac for nothing!

The Shellac verdict? Go pro or go prepare to go mental, but definitely go for a long-lasting manicure that can withstand literally anything you throw at it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Measure of a Moron: Brides Resort to “Feeding Tube Diet” to Drop Pounds Fast

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When this story broke a few days ago, I was in utter disbelief. In a drastic effort to lose weight before their wedding day, brides are turning to the controversial feeding tube diet, or “K-E Diet”. The “diet” involves being fed intravenously through the nose a mixture of vitamins and nutrients, while toting the liquid feed bag around as you “go about your business”, as quoted by one dieter. Business? Only a person with no responsibilities in life would have the time to entertain such nonsense. The fact this is even called considered a weight loss plan is terrifying. What’s worse is that a medical professional is standing behind this diet, boasting that “brides are able to lose massive amounts of weight on this plan” to achieve their weight loss goals.

Of course they’re losing weight- they’re dying! 
One would think that these woman would feel shame, or at least a bit silly going about their “daily business” with a feeding tube attached to their face (when they are otherwise physically healthy) but appallingly, they are taking comfort in the fact that “people just assume that I am dying of a terminal illness”. Well, I won’t argue that any woman who resorts to such asinine measures to drop a few pounds before her wedding is clearly sick in the head, however letting on that one is terminally ill is just plain sick. To think, all this misery in the quest to achieve the “happiest day of your life”.

The Feeding Tube Diet

Diet aside, the most frightening part to this crazy diet has got to be the monster Bridezilla that would emerge out of this plan! A ravenous, raging psycho bitch, ready to tear into her bridesmaids for the slightest wedding miss. Bridesmaid survival Strategy #1 when dealing with a crazy bitch on this diet? Avoid vanilla-scented ANYTHING at all costs, unless cannibalism is your thing. Mazel tov!


“A Woman’s Hairstyle Must Reflect Her Husband’s Wishes”: Michelle Duggar Drags Women Everywhere Back 100 Years in a Single Sentence.

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Michelle Duggar, human baby dispenser and firm believer of the saying “The Higher the Hair, the Closer to God“, is a lady who aims to please. On the season premiere of 19 Kids and Counting, Michelle speaks at a conference to share her tips on how to be a good Christian wife. Michelle’s wife bible, entitled “Seven Basic Needs Of A Husband” is distributed to the group, and is now posted online.

“A WOMAN’S HAIRSTYLE MUST REFLECT HER HUSBAND’S WISHES”

Unless that man wants to shell out for weekly dye jobs to achieve Gwen Stefani’s platinum perfection, that shit ain’t happening! Michelle, this is NOT the look! Jim Bob is tricking you, woman! He clearly keeping you low, as the only man who would look twice are either toothless, illiterate or inbred.

In addition to this subservient gold, Michelle dishes out other sound advice for the wife whose ultimate goal in life is to please her man’s every needs, 24-7.

Michelle Duggar

A WIFE SHOULD DRESS TO PLEASE HER HUSBAND.

I shudder at this one. Left to their own devices, most men would grab a handful of t-shirts at Mark’s Work Warehouse and be done with it. In Michelle’s case, I’m not sure why she bothers dressing at all. She’s basically been horizontal and bottomless for majority of her adult life, which makes Jim Bob’s fashion picks for her pretty easy anyway.

REMEMBER THAT WHAT YOUR HUSBAND LIKES, HE ENJOYS SEEING OFTEN.

I enjoy seeing two round trip tickets to London, with an all-expenses-paid stay at The Savoy, and I enjoy seeing it often. Is that too much to ask, dear husband?!

ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO DEFINE YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES. AFTER APPEALING, FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE BENEFITS, WHATEVER HAPPENS.

Even if you’re blindfolded. Even if you’re bound to the bed with handcuffs. Even if you are only uncuffed to prepare dinner and clean the toilets. Focus on the positives, ladies! In the wonderful, albeit brief, jaunt to the kitchen, there will plenty of time to stare desperately out the window and attempt to make eye contact with a passerby. See? There’s always an upside to slavery!

BUILD APPRECIATION FOR YOUR HUSBAND’S MOTIVES, EVEN IF HIS IDEAS ARE WRONG.

WIFE: ”Honey, I really don’t think it’s wise to blow through our entire life savings on a 5 day liquor and whore binge in Atlantic City”.

HUSBAND (a.k.a Pimp): Shut UP, bitch! Me husband-man. Me not dumb-dumb.

Now, I respect Michelle’s right to religious freedom. America is a free country and Michelle can please her Jim Bob anyway that she sees fit. However, as modern, self-sufficient woman, I can’t help but to frown at her subservient attitude. It’s clear she really believes this code of moral ethics. But really, to be frank, it’s not like she has a choice. 19 Kids and Counting, people! Stealing away in the dead of night in the family minivan isn’t really an option at this point.

Click below for Michelle’s 10 Commandments (Of Subservient Slavery)

http://www.southheightsbaptist.com/mp3/CliffPalmer/7BasicNeeds_Husband.pdf

 

A Red-Hot Ode to Gingers: Happy Valentines Day!

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On this day for lovers, I have a burning confession to make: I adore Ginger men!Unfortunately it’s become almost accepted to rag on Gingers, and they often become the butt (and crotch) of many a joke. But like a sober Lindsay Lohan, they’re a rarity in this world, and therefore should cherished for their exclusivity.

As a flame-haired friend likes to remind me (after ironically stating that she would never date a Ginger…ahem!) redheaded men are now being rejected as sperm donors at the world’s largest sperm bank, Cyros International. Gingers are on their way to extinction! It’s been reported that less than two percent of the world’s population have natural red hair. Add globalization to the equation, and the chances of two redheads finding love is drastically reduced.

In honour of their inevitable demise, I present thee my Top 3 Red-Hot Ginger Picks.  It should be said though, startlingly, after wracking my brain for a 4th addition to this list, I couldn’t seem to produce another famous, good-looking redheaded man! Does this mean Hollywood is subtly discriminating against them, or are they simple all holed-up in Scotland, waiting for their discovery as the hottest men on earth??!! Let’s discuss.

Pull the Alarm

Eddie Redmayne

Eddie

Eddie

Code Red

Paul Bettany

 

Fire! Fire! Fire! His Royal Hotness

Prince Harry

His Royal Hotness

 
 
 

Harry

Read It Now: An Object of Beauty

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Besides trawling the internet for highly sophisticated music videos (exhibit A, below…) there’s a more respectable daily habit I indulge in: reading! So, when I heard that Amy Adams was set to produce and star in the book I’d just finished- An Object of Beauty by Steve Martin, I had to share. This is a great read! Steve Martin (yes, the Steve Martin) is not only a gifted comedian, but a talented novelist.

An Object of Beauty tells the story of Lacey Yeager, a budding art dealer who gets her start at Sotheby’s in the mid-’90s. Lacey’s questionable morals and unmatched ambition take her from Manhattan to Russia and beyond throughout the course of career, as she sleeps her way up the corporate ladder, whilst attempting to make her mark on the NYC art world. It’s clear Martin is highly versed in all elements of art. Not only is this book clever and entertaining, but consider it a crash-course in Who’s-Who of artists, from Cezanne to de Kooning to Pollack, with specific reference to each artistic style, accompanied with photos of the pieces for us ‘ignat folks who need them! A smart and charming read.

An Object of Beauty by Steve Martin

Hell Hath a Name: Bikini in January

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After weeks of holiday indulgence, stepping into the change room to shop for a vacation bikini feels like a criminal investigation, and the spotlight -fluorescent, blinding and oh-so unflattering- is on you, baby. Rum n’ eggnog? Guilty! Shortbread cookies? Guilty! Stuffing? Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Top that off with blindly white skin and skipped workouts and you got a recipe to turn any self-respecting woman into a desperate feign.
Advice? Read and repeat: “Don’t like? DON’T LOOK!.” There’s always going to be someone who shamelessly bares all during a rousing game of beach volleyball- let her take the spotlight! It’s not considered bad karma. A girl must muster as much confidence as possible when completely pantless. Know this, and tread lightly with the following tips:

Faux Glow: Tanning beds are so passe. Over time, tanning breaks down the elasticity of your skin, creating a host of additional problems (cellulite, broken capillaries, age spots). If you simply can’t stand the thought of hitting the beach without a glow, go faux with a spray tan.

Apply SPF: As tempting as it is to escape the winter doldrums with gusto, hitting the beach on Day 1 slicked with Hawaiian Tropic Oil is not wise- unless you like your Canadian bacon extra crispy, swathed in layers of gauze.

Pedi those Piggies: Nobody wants to see your narst, scraggly yellow toe nails. Hit the salon for a $20 pedicure, and please, for the love of God, no toenails should extend over the skin. Painted or not, long toenails are straight up disgusting.

Indulge and Enjoy: Hit the beach bar and buffet with reckless abandon- you’re here for a good time, not a long time! Woooooooooooooooo!!

Come and Take a Walk on the Wild Side: Changing Your Look for 2012

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“Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain…you like your girls insane.”

I cannot get this song and memorizing video by Lana Del Rey out of my head. Her cascading strawberry blonde locks and Snow Queen vibe are completely hypnotizing.
I don’t know about you, but every January I get the urge to drastically change my look. Last January I found myself in the salon chair with a 10 inch ponytail in my lap. After a complete meltdown in the salon washroom (stub ponytail, reminiscent of a 12 year old boy with a hat on, completely exposed neck…) I grew to like my bob. This year I’ll leave the length, but possibly play with fire to achieve Lana’s strawberry blonde hue.

What about you? In the spirit of starting anew for the New Year, do you have the urge to shake up your look? Who’s inspiring you for 2012? Let me know!

Truth or Dare by Madonna: Smells like Money

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Artwork used for Madonna’s new fragrance Truth or Dare was released this week and if it looks oddly familiar, it’s because it is. The shot isn’t new- it was taken back in 2010 for an editorial for Interview Magazine.

Truth? The photo could have been taken back in 1989, given the heavy-handed use of Photoshop. Dare? I dare the photographer to deliver the un-retouched image of this shot before any line or pucker was effectively erased from Madge’s face.

Even though my side-eye in fully narrowed,  it’s nearly impossible to throw shade on the old gal- she looks absolutely amazing. I don’t know who’s virgin blood she’s been sipping lately, (oh wait…) but Madge’s return back to her best look Erotica look certainly smells like money.

It appears Her Majesty is set for world domination for 2012. In addition to the fragrance, her trademarked expression ”Truth or Dare” is poised to become a lifestyle branding vehicle, with apparel and footwear to join the mix in upcoming months. If the fragrance bottle is any indication of the direction the brand will go, it appears likely that Madonna will rely heavily (or even outright copy) on the advice of her stylish famous friends. Doesn’t the Truth or Dare bottle look strikingly similar to Stella McCartney’s Stella fragrance? I cannot wait to see this brand develop in 2012.

Madonna- Truth of Dare

Madonna Truth or Dare Fragrance

 
Stella McCartney- Stella
 
 

Stella McCartney- Stella

The Mane Event: Slicked Backed Ponytails

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My current obsession of all things late 90′s continues, this time with the staple hairstyle of the bygone era: slicked back ponytails.  J-Lo perfected this look in her Jenny from the block days. At the time, I to0 looked to the block for inspiration. Unfortunately I looked to the block, across the way, and straight to the back alley, with baggy Tommy Hilfiger overalls, a white baby tee, platform sneakers and a slicked back ponytail that was so tight, blinking was not option. Luckily, slanging on the street (not really) taught me a few lessons to breaking the pony without tearing out my mane in the process.
 

One: Select the best quality elastic. Goody Ouchless are great and come in all hair colours.

 Two: Cover that elastic up. Even if it’s the same shade as to your hair, the key to keeping it sophisticated is wrapping the elastic with a strand of your own hair.

Wild Ponies: Neigh!!!!!!

Emmanuelle Chriqui: Id be shrieking too with this bumpy pony. Neigh!

Christina Aguilera: Tight, height, and not right. Neigh!

 
Broken Ponies
 

Lea-Michele: Silky, smooth, perfection.

 

Blake Lively: Lose the roots and weve got a winner.

 

The Run-Away Ponies, Fall 2011: Slicked Back Ponytails

Calvin Klein, Fall 2011: Slick Pony

 

Marc Jacobs, Fall 2011

A Hairy Situation: Stresses over Tresses

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As summer approaches, the urge to lighten up my mane weighs heavily on my mind. As trivial as it may seem, the decision to colour my hair is something I take very seriously. I spend many hours mulling over the possible outcome. Highlights with bangs, highlights without bangs, lowlights, full colour…Sun In??!  These deep-rooted stresses over my tresses are not without merit. First, let’s paint an oh-so-brassy picture: 

 In an attempt to ditch my natural hue for a saucer shade, I booked an appointment for my first colour treatment.  Enter Misty, stylist extraordinaire, who marveled with delight at my “virgin hair!!” (no joke).  After a quick consultation: Gwen Stefani-White Blonde- No Doubt and a knowing nod from Misty, she started the process. Two hours later, Misty removed the towel to reveal her artistry. Unfortunately, it was instantly obvious that Misty was completely out of touch with pop culture references (with a name like Misty, how could I blame her?!) as Gwen-Stefani-white blonde-No Doubt had become Marlon Wayans-Brassy Blonde-White Chicks (minus the 5 oclock shadow).  I had effectively morphed from colour virgin to low-rent street-walker in mere hours. Pretty woman…walkin’ down the street….(the wig didn’t have roots).

Going au-naturel would be the sensible option, but since that’s no fun, I’ve taken the modern approach and pasted my face (thank you photoshop) on every shade and style deemed worthy of the big plunge. This got me thinking. Do you, lovers and friends (and strangers too!) spend excessive amounts of time stressing over your tresses?

The Dream

The smirk is justified. "I dare you to attempt my shade!"

 

The Reality

 

"Damn girl, we should have used a toner!"